After You Get what you want…. you don’t want it, and other first world Problems


Ah Espanya…

It was the idea that kept me going throughout my hellish program.  Every time some drama went down, every time something simple that should have been done was not, I just told myself “Don’t worry Gazelle, after this experience, you are going to Spain to unwind.”   I thought I needed a year in Barcelona to forget about the pains of this graduate program. It wasn’t for sure until this week, but I hoped and prayed and was very positive about it… I guess it was the dream of Spain that kept me going…

I thought… but now that I’ve gotten what I wanted, I’m not sure it’s what I want. Of course chilling out is not the only thing on my mind… I spent a lot of time on my application, because Spain really is the ideal place to use both Spanish and Arabic.  My Spanish, which is atrocious right now, needs some time to reappear (still understand everything, but speaking is hard, Arabic words are what come to mind first… ha, ha…).

so yes, Spain  and talking to a mix of Arabs and Spaniards would be helpful career-wise… almost a year in Barcelona would be hotness…. after Egypt Spain would be a walk in the park of sorts….

But I’m not sure it’s what I need to do anymore… I’m tired… I feel like I don’t have the energy to deal with being in a strangeish place, speaking a language that is no my own, be treated badly because people assume that I’m “African,”  dealing with the double standard that comes out once they find out I’m an African from America… sigh.

Anybody out there feel me and my first world problems? ha, ha….

The truth is there’s a lot more to it than just being tired, other factors that I would rather not mention online also weigh on my mind…

Needless to say, reality sets in and I realize that my job prospects are not so bright… I could potentially go home and spend the entire time that I could have spent in Spain, in the US, stressing out about how to find a job…. and even if I find one, the turn-around for paperwork and such could also be as long as my tenure in Spain….  My classmates will/should have jobs by the time my time in Spain is done, that should be helpful out there on the job hunt… it’s not like Espanya wouldn’t be a time for fortify my “skills.”

But at what point does one say enough is enough to these “wonderful” cross-cultural learning experiences and embrace the real world with arms wide open?  I have been thinking lately about the concept of destiny whether things happen to us or whether we make things change…. right now it feels like things have been happening to me… like I’m the wheel that they give lab rats and I’m just running along it, not realizing the repetitive nature of it all… sigh.

ok, this post was more or less me thinking out loud… Very few people here get why I would turn down Spain … but the ones that do, are all my age…. ha, ha… they understand the desire to start life in the real world… for real this time… with a job that I actually enjoy and the responsibilities of a young professional.  sigh.


Maybe it’s the study-abroad, grand ma of my graduate program, only one month left and don’t know how any of this stuff is going to turn out blues that I got.. ha, ha… The past few days I’ve been feeling empty… it’s like the “hustle” or should I say hassle of being here has gotten to me… I’m not happy, but I’m not sad either…. it’s the worst feeling….

The door to our fridge broke a few weeks ago (just fell off right in my roomate’s hand)  yet another testament to the bootleg nature of this apartment, I’ve nearly cussed the landlady out for being rude and disrespectful to me… but Alhamdillah (kida 7salsh— this didn’t happen)… I don’t even get angry at the random comments on the street, good or bad.  Apathy is the worst feeling in the world…

Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful, when one put’s in a lot of effort into something, it’s wonderful to see a good result…. I’m just trying to decide what it is that I NEED to do next….


One thought on “After You Get what you want…. you don’t want it, and other first world Problems

  1. KG

    I get the appeal of getting a stable, permanent job after being in school so long. That’s pretty much where I am now. But I would go to Spain. You worked really hard on the application, and it’s an opportunity very few people get. Technically, you could apply for jobs from Spain, right? Also, I wouldn’t use your classmates as an excuse to put off your job search. There are always going to be people graduating, people with more experience who are going to be applying for jobs–there’s really no way to avoid competing with them. The more experience you get, the better your chances.

    Anyway, whatever choice you make, I’m sure it will work out!

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