On Getting Older and Getting….

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I found out yesterday that my class is actually hosting a 10-year reunion.  I will not be attending.  It will be two days before I am supposed to leave for Spain,frankly it’s the least of my concerns.  But it was interesting to look at the FB page for it.  Go Class of 2002!  I never thought anyone would actually put in the effort to get it off the ground.  ha, ha….

I guess it was the perfect end to a bad day… ha, ha. Ten years come and gone so fast… terrible litmus test. Ten years ago, I was a lot happier, wide-eyed and full of good expectations about the world and what the future had to offer.  I believed in true love, that man is by nature good, that learning about other cultures is a golden ticket to cross-cultural understanding, that there is a Divine purpose behind human suffering, although may not recognize it… I could go on and on  … Ten years later, none of that applies… I am constantly evaluating and reevaluating everything, every concept, every precept.

As my posts indicate I am in a slump of sorts.  The more it continues the more I realize that it has less to do with quarter life crises (after all, I am practically past my quarter life point… :-/) and more to do with … well let’s just say other stuff.

What does this all mean in the practical.  I am not sure yet.  On one hand this is normal.  It came to me the other day, that my trips to the Arab world always seem to leave me hanging on by a thread on a lot of levels.  The tiredness that comes with looking different and feeling different and doing things differently.  The yearning for what I know to be just there when and where I want it.

It’s like this:  Morocco,Yemen, Egypt, Qatar, each place, and each visit, involved me stripping a layer off.  Sometimes it was naivete, sometimes it was optimism, sometimes it was religious conviction, sometimes it was fear.

After all that stripping, I don’t think I have anything else left to bear!

But it’s not just the Arab world, or rather being in it during the most trying month of the year.  It’s everything and everyone.  I need a break!  I don’t think being on US soil would do the trick…

The fact is, I can’t remember when I last had a chance to sit and just not think.  Just sit and listen to pure silence.  Nowadays, because I share a room, the only place where I can really think for myself and to myself is in the bathroom… ha, ha…

I’ve had ongoing headaches as a result, … actually maybe the headaches are a result of being locked in a house with no AC with over 100 degree temperatures daily… :-(I But whatever, I literally go to sleep and tons of thoughts are still racing in my mind.

Nonetheless, my point is duly made.

This post may seem cryptic, well that’s because it is… Needless to say, I am entering another transitional phase and am not sure how I am going to fare with it, but I’m trying to come out of it a better person, and with my sanity in tact.

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One thought on “On Getting Older and Getting….

  1. “I believed in true love, that man is by nature good, that learning about other cultures is a golden ticket to cross-cultural understanding, that there is a Divine purpose behind human suffering, although may not recognize it…”

    Wow. I was never that person. I’m sorry, it must have been very jolting to have transitioned so much in 10 years, even if it is 10 years. At my high school graduation in 2003, I believed in love less than I do now, I believed that most people are evil, that the world was unfair and was upset by that regularly, and Divine purpose was elusive…

    Not that I’ve done a 180 (at all) but having once been in a place of more absolute pessimism, I can say optimistically that you will float from here and find a happy medium once you find a better place to be. You are a good one to have spent so much time abroad in a place that is sometimes toxic to your being a black woman. My soul stripping experiences have usually involved operating rooms and caustic attendings with god-complexes, so I understand the process. I just hope you know it won’t be for always and even if all of those things you once believed are not true always, they’re not never true.

    I hope you feel better! Ramadan Mubarak, I never got to tell you back, I got busy!

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