I haven’t posted in while, been busy with work and life and such. But I have also been trying to come to terms with what 2013 as a year meant for me. This blog is my journal… so I want to commemorate a year that from what I can was a watershed year for me, probably in more ways than I can understand right now.
But to understand my 2013, I have to go back to 2012, the year that on the surface looks like it should have been a watershed year for me. 2012 was when I became fluent in Arabic, when I got my second Masters degree and yes, the year I was awarded a Fulbright…
It was also the year of a cry me a river slew of incidents that I don’t want to bring up here… but 2013 was bittersweet (albeit more sweet than bitter, since the more hard to swallow parts were at the beginning, not the end).
Yup, picking up life from where 2012 had thrown it, telling myself that Rabna Kareem, even when it didn’t feel like what was really going in my mind, it was tough.
But, Rabna is Kareem, and I did learn a lot about myself, about the power of prayer (don’t care if no one else believes it, I do) I had some pretty major prayers answered in 2013. It was strange feeling indeed. 2013 made some of the doors that had previously closed in my life make sense. It taught many a lesson in patience and in humility. It’s like I’ve grown up hearing those old adages and sayings … “Let go and let God”… “Keep quiet and let God fight your battles” …stuff like that makes sense. 2013 was a battle. But Alhamdullilah I came out alive! I won’t say I am unscathed, because Gazelle is now at the point where she asks herself constantly,
I don’t know how put it in words, it seems I am still struggling for the right adjectives. But this is what happened. I have started a new life, a new volume, not just a new chapter. For the first time, not only are the people around me changing as ever, cycling in and out of my life, playing different roles in it, but I am changing too.
It is not all rosy and happily ever after, as intimated a few entries back, ex-pat life can be lonely, and bewildering. But I look back at 2012 and 2013 and know that this is where I am supposed to be.
Where am I? ha ha… At the moment, I started this post, I was in Italy, exhausted from a days worth of travel, full from a very tasty and authentically Italian meal, and mesmerized by just how attractive men are! (ha ha… seriously, I think they must have more attractive men per capita than any other country I have visited to date, even the old men look like they must have been very hot 20-30 years back… and some of them still got it…. We will see in the coming days, once the jet-lag haze clears, if this is still how I feel…. Ha ha….
But yeah, I guess I was so grateful for 2013 that I didn’t want it to end. And even when it did I have still been in this weird limbo, trying to figure out what to do. Am I supposed to come off this high? Do the “good times” continue to roll? … Wait a minute, I am not on a high… just another form of living life day to day. I don’t know about anything anymore. Where will I be in five years? I dunno. Who will I be in five years? I dunno.
Who will I be with in five years?
I have no idea…but Rabna Kareem. And He knows what lies ahead.