خذي شايب يدلعك ولا تأخذي صبي يولعك: Marry an old man who will spoil you, not a young one who will only give you headache


A few days ago on Facebook, my status was the title of this post.

After a looong dry spell, I had an unexpected brush with the possibility for louuuuuuuuve…. Ha ha…


The suitor was cute, educated, spoke at least three languages well (including English!… ha ha) and for whatever reason was impressed with me. There was only one problem …


Okay one main one among many that had yet to be discovered:  He is old… much too old, for me. He doesn’t look it, which MashAllah is good  for him, but the fact still remains that he more than 10 (but less than 20—- and no it’s not 19) years older than I am.  I was bothered by that fact.  The context, I will spare,  but he’s a serious minded individual looking to settle down in late age.

I am no spring chicken, but damn! I’m not Catherine Zeta-Jones or Celine Dion. For whatever reason I have been binging on Romantic comedies and Disney Classics: Love stories and then some… I think they messed with my head ya’ll!

I did some reflecting and realized and said to myself that this is an individual that is looking to get serious very soon and I am not in that zone.  It wouldn’t be right to just go along for the get along.

But part of me did some reflecting and said, hmmmm … I’m awesome, I know that. But, how can I tell if this person recognizes that or is just getting the best that he can get now that he’s old(er) and perhaps can’t catch the PYTs of his own race. (Yup, he’s not black).  Being here has made me even more sensitive to this phenomenon: Older (usually) white men bagging young(er) beautiful black women.


Something like this… Love is does not have an age, I know, I know. But…


Now this guy is not white, but he’s not from an ethnic group that completely embraces black people (are there any that do???!!!). And I just can’t tell if he was attracted to the novelty of the black girl who not only speaks Arabic, but his dialect as well— and I didn’t want to discover what someone would probably never admit anyway.


Not every man is Joe DeBlasio, you know!…. wait is his first name even Joe? or did I just make that up?

His directness took me off guard, but then I realize that older men have no time to waste. I, on the other hand am not in quite so much a haste.  One of my friends made a good point, her dad is ten years older than her mom and now that they are older he can’t be as active as she is. Then I remembered that my dad was 11 years older than my mom and he died, leaving her with little kids to raise at a pretty young age. Then I started thinking about Celine Dion (praying her husband pulls through) and I wondered if this was something really worth trying out to see if it fit.

I am not one for “practice” and see where it goes in relationships. Things are less messy that way.

I mean, look at me writing a journal post about something that is a whole lot of nothing, but because it very easily could have, has got me thinking, reflecting etc.

I guess I’ve realized that talking to people for the purpose of marriage is heavy stuff, and I’m not sure I am cut out for it… it’s too much pressure…. Ha ha… then again, the last time I did it, it was with someone older than myself and with some of the same time of our lives differences coming up.

Oh well.  I guess when you end up alone after a little bit of excitement, the threat of spinsterhood rears it’s ugly head in your subconscious.


And this is what it says…Guess it’s a good thing I stopped watching Glee when Finn died…

In the mean time I can stare and continually be rattled by the new coworker who looks just like the high school sweetheart…. How fitting that I be around such a constant reminder of the folly of teens and early twenties on the eve of my turning thirty…. #FML


… No, Rabna Kareem, so I am keeping hope alive that the next frog I kiss (figuratively) will be a prince.



2 thoughts on “خذي شايب يدلعك ولا تأخذي صبي يولعك: Marry an old man who will spoil you, not a young one who will only give you headache

  1. Interesting. At the same time…don’t let your reflection on a situation lead you to a cop out. You should pursue a relationship with someone because you are attracted to them and want to pursue a relationship with them. We get too caught up in calculating the reason why someone may be interested in us, regarding ourselves as either a fetish or a product of “settling” when it comes to interracial stuff, but before that, what do you want? Do you find him attractive or are you interested because he’s interested only? That’s the first easy answer. If the former, go for it, if the latter only, then bye.

    Don’t use excuses for other things about the person when the real answer is that you’re not attracted. It’s important to know that before you get too far in a convenience situation or have had a few experiences with still not knowing what you want.

    Because seriously, someone who just met you is not going to have super deep reasons for considering you as dating or wife potential. That, like so many other things, develops with time. It may be initially a novelty factor, and then he gets to know you. Whatever. A match is not made in short time and is almost never based on first impressions.

    These days, I believe in making moves. Before then, I was living in fantasy worlds full of apparitions and disillusionment.

    • gazelledusahara

      “Don’t use excuses for other things about the person when the real answer is that you’re not attracted.”

      Yeah, you make some good points… in this man’s case, his age is my main hang-up and then the race factor comes in… honestly, If he were just a little younger, I would have no qualms (and would feel more at ease with the race factor, I just don’t see many men from his community married to women of the same age group who look like me, le sigh… But I should think about this and figure out if it’s just my mental conditioning to find something to be suspicious about in the male gaze… in which case I should probably cut that out (I mean if Leonard DiCaprio were by some miracle interested in me, would I be suspicious of that too?… ha ha).

      I have been so focused on building other parts of my world lately, that someone showing interest, when I am not looking for them to show interest, makes me automatically suspicious. I’m all about making moves in other areas, but love and marriage have seemed to be lost in the crossfire… time to fix that.

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