The previous post was getting too long, so I am continuing here. Well actually, in this post I really get to the heart in what bothers me in all this. I am someone who takes time to process things and my reaction at the time was contrite, we had several super long hugs goodbye (his doing, not mine, all the while I was thinking “Please just go” ).
I think my gut knew what my head knows now…this was a load of bullshit. sigh. I have spent quite a bit of time reflecting on my actions, that last conversation and how in the heck I got into that situation as my weekends have been freeed up quite a bit… ha ha.
I guess I just wanted to put some words to electronic paper. I am mad. But not for the reasons many would assume…
There is a certain type of man out that prides himself on being a cut above the rest in terms his moral compass
I really have a problem with men like SB. They pride themselves on being “good guys” because they don’t sleep around with women…i.e. because they aren’t super sleazy like many
of their own damn guy friends. They pride themselves on being honest, honorable etc. and yet, here I am. I have to ask, (and perhaps should ask SB) what about his interaction with me showcasess his honesty? His trustworthiness.
What I didn’t mention in the first post, is that a lot of little things slipped out during SB’s soliloquy: One of the main ones being that he had known since at least our second date that he was the one dragging his feet and he had known since at least our third that he didn’t want a relationship with (presumably) anyone right now. Oh and that he thanked me for having the honesty to bring our situation up because he didn’t.
But here’s the thing, I don’t fault him for not being in a place where he is ready for anything. But I do fault him for KNOWING this and continuing to interact with me as if he was. Ugh.
So there you have it, folks. “Nice guys” can be and will be assholes too. He wanted the external trappings of a relationship, but with no formalized commitment. Part of me can see how we could have gone on for several more months, messaging talking, hanging out and he would have no qualms about that. The larger part of me wonders why his honesty only showed up when he had to declare that he IS NOT my boyfriend (using caps cause it was said with emphasis).
When faced with the fact that they have in fact hurt someone, they turn to even shittier behavior like heaping on empty compliments and declaring how important your friendship is to them
This is the part that makes me very, mad. Because it’s about THEM, THEIR ego and THEIR need to hold to the idea of being good, honest people in the face of showing that they are human and are assholes just as much as the broey friend they measure themselves against. Being used emotionally can hurt just as much as being used physically.
So when Surfer Boy segued into random statements about how amazing I am, I didn’t take the bait. He can keep his shitty complements. Because it wasn’t about me (first of all, I know how wonderful I am. But people sometimes take my railings against racism and colorism to mean that I am insecure about myself looks. They take my not wanting to brag about x, y or z to mean I have low self-esteem. Which couldn’t be further from the truth. I live in a world that does not value me at worst and devalues me at best. Fuck this world and this society. I know I am fucking amazing).
This is my internalized mantra: “You are precious, it’s society that is (a piece of) shit”
So hearing him say that I am smart, beautful, blah blah was about the show he was putting on for himself.
Claiming to value my friendship is perhaps the biggest Cop-out of all and goes back to points 1 and 2
The one thing I did say to SB besides, “I don’t like gray” was that this conversation felt like de ja vu, because I was in a long, protracted gray area before, and was really sad to see that I had ended up there again. The details are different, as is my level of complicity, but those posts are not for today.
The point being, that I know this response quite well. In the last situation I took responsibility for my own complicity (mainly my stupidity) in making things go so badly and because the person was someone I had known for a long time, agreed to try to make the friendship work. (In fact, in relaying SB’s overtures of friendship I remarked to a friend, what do I want him for now? To be the white version of the bullshit I am already going through????? ha ha)
BUt again, I take issue with this because just like when they declare all of my positive attributes like they just discovered them in that moment…. claims of valuing me as human being ring hollow, to say nothing of my “friendship.”
I see it as a weak ass move to offer their conscience some reprieve: They can still feel like “good guys” because they have offered me this awesome consolation prize “Their friendship.” I am being cynical here perhaps, but I wonder if they ever really think about the scenario that they are proposing:
This is pretty much what he said, but what it sounded like to me was more like:
“I don’t really want to acknowledge the extent to which I treated you like shit, but I am such an awesome person that you obviously want to stay in my life at any cost, so how about I have the benefit of pointing to you and saying “friend.” That way, I don’t feel like an asshole and absolve myself of any hurt my actions may have cost. And you still get to be around my magnificence.”
I don’t doubt that they perhaps think they are being sincere, but again it rings hollow for me. A friend who won’t level with me? A friend who doesn’t respect me enough not to waste my time? I think I can do bad all by myself.
I honestly would have preferred SB to say that look like a train ran over my face, or that I smell, or something more meaningful than dull, lifeless compliments however animated he was when he said it. It’s funny because I knew that that weekend would be our last one, (again, if you have to ask, you know the answer) but I didn’t expect to hear what Surfer Boy said. I knew something was off and this wasn’t going to continue, but I didn’t expect the bull shit that he threw my way.
You know I am sadly perhaps most of all mad at myself
Every time I think I have it figured out, things crumble and I wonder, wtf was the point? I feel like assholes seek me out, lull me into a false sense of security and then display their fuckery. The silver lining is that I caught this relatively soon. I lament the time wasted that I can’t get back. But that is neither here nor there.
So there you have it folks. My latest foray into the dating world. It feels good to put in words what has bothered me for a long time
(and yes, LJ Cul de Sac if you see some of yourself in these posts, you should… But I give credit where it’s due and you apologized— I won’t say without prodding, but it surprised me all the same that you had the moxy to do it…. but this situation for all it’s parrallels and perpendiculars is a lot different… I will leave it at that).
I feel like a used prop, and am perhaps more cynical of the whole situation than I will be in the future but it’s how I am doing now. I wonder if the contrasts in our interests and backgrounds made being around me an escape of some sort for him… you know for one day a week he didn’t have to deal with certain things. bah. It was a three month thing and now it’s over. Get over it, Gazelle, ha ha.
I’ve tried to psychoanalyze so much of this.
What I do now? Who knows. Over the past year, I have been thinking about how marriage isn’t for everyone, about how I could adopt a kid when I’m 35 if no relationship materializes by then…. By then, this blog will have been retired. It will be interesting to come back and look at this post at that time though.