On Loving Yourself First


So I have been thinking.

I turned 31 earlier this week and the days leading up to it, since last week and have been rough.  I started taking stock of my life, what I have done so far and what I haven’t. It left me in a bit of a conundrum and a funk, but I gave myself time to think it through and cry it out ( literally and metaphorically).

Yup… sometimes you gotta let it all out, once and for all then move forward

Nearing the end of this reflection session, I’ve realized something, that has become my New Year’s Resolution: I am going to love myself first.

Maybe it’s the middle child in me, but I tend to be the one who is accommodating in work, friendships, relationships etc. I tend to let other people pick which part of the project they want to do first (we have less fighting that way), I would rather go along to get along.

It’s how I dealt with a lot of things. But I am thinking it’s time to turn over a new leaf.

Gazelle needs to love herself first. Gazelle needs to respect herself first.

I think I should print this an pin it to my desk…. Nah… ha ha… It’s enough that I’ve memorialized it here

It’s as simple as that. I took a long, hard look. Well, it was inspiration from a friend who recently told me about how he periodically takes stock of himself and the relationships he’s formed and decides whether or not they should continue.

I guess, I do the same, but in a different way. My process has been sudden. I came back from a trip to Thailand (more on that later, I ever get the pics on my phone) and my mood is completely different from what it was even the morning I left.

It’s like a rain cloud came over my mind, forcing me into the indoors of my heart and I wasn’t allowed back outside until the storm had subsided: The way I looked at myself, at life, at people is all topsy turvy.

It’s funny how you can be naive and optimistic and just in your own little world and then BAM! Something clicks in your brain and you have to confront what you should have known all along. Gazelle has been basing her actions and plans off of assumptions that she never should have made. And then, in the last few days a little birdie told me:

Wait how do I know if something is one or all of these things????!!!!

So yeah I am doing a mix of taking stock of my own actions and my reactions to the words and actions of others.

The end result, (I presume) will be to reassert who I am and who I want to be. This sounds cryptic (as many of my posts do, I guess) but it’s really not about any one person, well it’s really only ABOUT GAZELLE. So for those of you who know me in real life and may think you know what this is about…. YOU Don’t. You really, just like don’t know even half of what I am writing about. Sigh.

I just need to be a healthier me and I have realized that going along to get along, Peacemaker Gazelle is no longer the part I wish to play.
Life is beautiful. Or at least I am hoping it will be once I decompress and declutter.  It may seem like a silly, juvenile declaration, but for now, its the most clarity I have been able to decipher. I’m gonna love myself first and put myself first and see where that leads.
I am already coming to some important realizations (elucidated perspectives, dare I say ;- ). I would really like to go back home (to the U.S. broadly defined) but not for the reason(s) I would have thought or listed a week or two or three ago. Sometimes things present themselves as seemingly good opportunities, but the specter of what they truly are is always there, waiting to be uncovered. And so, Gazelle, is apparently still ready for the next adventure, it’s just not the one she thought she would/should be hoping for a few weeks back. But in this one, she gets to be her own leading lady. So, there that. I mean, that’s a thing… right?
Here’s to being older and presumably wiser.

To those who subscribe to my posts… I jumped the gun


fml… I didn’t mean to publish my previous post, not yet… ha, ha…

At least I’m not this woman…. sigh


At least the cat’s out of the bag, kind of…