On Being Down but not Out


The honeymoon phase of this ex-pat living ended today.  Streets, names and places are familiar enough.  I have moved out of the hotel apartment and live in my own apartment (but no furniture yet, more on that later, I suppose).

A month and a half in and I think I already have an entry I could contribute to this book… ha ha…

And now, I am getting into the groove of things and into the funk.  It’s holiday season, which I think in the US is the most wonderful time of the year. It’s when people actually prepare tasty meals for the homeless, and wonderful holiday movies are on tv and in theaters, making us  believe in magic again.  It’s a time for family, for prayer and reflection, for wondering at where the past year went.

But I am doing this alone. No family, no real friends.  And it sucks!  ha ha…

The funk is just a part of life.  It’s not a loneliness really.  I do things that force me to go out and meet with people outside work on a weekly basis.  And I have been doing that (yes, thank you all my friends out there that will want to give me lame advice about getting out there and meeting people, doing that, thank you!… ha ha….).

I am enjoying meeting new people, but it is a tiresome process. The introductions, the comparisons of backgrounds, the exchange of pleasantries; there comes a point when this introvert just doesn’t want to deal with it all.  That’s why this time of year is so hard to be starting out a new chapter in it.

All I need and want right now this moment, is to be where people know me and understand me.  And I have neither.

Apparently he’s having a blue Christmas and New Years too?

Is this a complaint?  No, not really.  Just a reflection of what I have gotten myself into.  Sometimes all you want is your favorite meal prepared by your mom. or a hug from a sibling.  But all you get is the humming of the air conditioner.  First world problems, I know.

My point is, that this move has been complicated.  Navigating the bureacratic stuff has kept me busy, but now, as that stuff is dying down, I have more time to think and realize that maybe I’m not in Maryland anymore.

Wow, this gives me hope… maybe there is a program like this here…. ha ha… too bad I’m not an ex-pat in Chicago

And maybe this wouldn’t matter so much if I had come here with a husband, parent, heck even a cat or a dog!  … something to ground me in myself, and in home. I’m here eating Indian and Lebanese food every day, chit chatting in Arabic and Spanish on the regular and wondering…. when do I just be?

This is an amazing opportunity and I appreciate it, God knows I do. I just need help striking a balance. Or as I jokingly-seriously told a friend on Whatsapp… a super hot, super accomplished Spanish or French love interest who is single and ready to mingle!…. ha ha…

Jean-Luc, is that you?…..

The feeling will fade, but until then….. I guess I will be just a little down, but not out.

It does?!? When?!?